Big Racist Brother

Published July 15, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

There was only one black chick on Big Brother this season and she was the first to get voted off this week.  Really?  Isn’t that a little too “on the nose” in the racism department?   Shouldn’t hostess extraordinaire Julie Chen have stepped in and told her big brother douche coach – “uhm, don’t kill off the African American first.  This isn’t a horror movie.” Maybe CBS knows something I don’t know.  Maybe black people don’t watch Big Brother.  Maybe the concept of living in a house with a bunch of annoying white people is not something my African American friends care to watch.  I have been watching this show since it started here in America because it is without a doubt the worst show on television and I cannot stop watching it.  I don’t know where they find so many stupid white people.  I would never be on that show because you have to spend a lot of time in a bathing suit and that is something that no one in America needs to see.  The Big Brother house is right next to my office on the studio lot and I really wanted to try and break in or lob something over the wall – like a plot line or a bikini cover up.  I will spend far too many hours this summer watching this show.  I once became friends with Dr. Will.  He’s best friends with Mike Boogie.  The fact that I just used both of those names in sentences should be enough to have me killed.  I am so obsessed with the show that I once went to a taping.  It was super exciting because I got to go in early and  see Julie without her makeup on and her hair in curlers.  At least I think it was Julie Chen.  Holy Shit.   It could have been any Asian woman.  I think she was Asian.  Back when I drank I used to hang out at the Big Brother bar.  This is a place Mike Boogie and his partner Lonnie bought and all the contestants from the show would hang out there.  I was in reality t.v. heaven.  These people could not be a bigger bunch of losers and I loved watching them all up close and personal.  Maybe that’s why I like reality t.v. so much.   Contestants are just like me – ordinary people – only bigger losers because they desperately want to be on television.  That’s a bug I do not have.  The only thing I want pointed at me is a paycheck – not a camera.   So I continue to sit on my couch for three nights a week and tune in a house full of douche nozzles in bathing suits who get excited when it’s time to fight for food and win something called the HOH competition.

Looks like George Orwell was half right.  Big Brother isn’t watching – I am.   And I’m ashamed.

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