Cock Blocked

Published June 29, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Anyone who tells you there isn’t anything to do in Montserrat – is lying.  I was very busy.   I also now know everything about everyone on the island.  I know what they do, who they do, and where they do it.  There are less than 5,000 people living there so it really isn’t that hard to get all up in everyone’s business.  I can tell you a piece of gossip about almost any of them and I have given most of them new nicknames.  From the people who run The Angry Turtle to Fatty Edgecomb the Realtor – everyone and everything is now known by some new name.  They of course – don’t know this.

Montserrat is the island tourists have forgotten – which is a great thing when you’re looking to really take it down a notch.  I took it down so many notches I needed to use other people’s notches for takedown measurement purposes.  The fact that there is an active volcano on the island may dissuade the average traveler but not my friend Dr. Fred.  He went to medical school there and is now building a magnificent house on the island.  It is the talk of the local Rotary Club (Montserrations) and The Property Owners Association (hideous white people who clearly don’t like black people) and so far his biggest problems are the goats that continually eat his palm trees.  I believe they call this a Rich White Guy on an Island Problem.  In fact, there are so many goats on the Island it’s kind of a BYOG place.  Show up for a party with a goat and someone will make it into a goat water stew.  This is the islands most popular dish.  I didn’t have any.  Once I’ve pet something – I can’t eat it.  And there are goats everywhere.  They are tethered to every tree and rock in Montserrat.  I wanted to ride around and untie all of them.  I want a goat farm.  Freddie and I are thinking about making our own cheese – wrapped in volcanic ash.  People in Beverly Hills will pay big bucks for this kind of a cheese.  We could probably only make one a year though so it would be a very expensive block of goat ash cheese.

The people building homes in the U.S. could learn a thing or two from the builders in Montserrat.  They have Freddies house up and running in no time including carving steps out of a cliff to build a stairway down to a beach.  These Montserrations are not fucking around. The island is lush.  It felt like I was in the movie Jumanji except for when we hit the Exclusion Zone.  That’s where the volcano left a whole lotta ash.  The volcano last spewed in 2007 and now 2/3’s of the Island are uninhabitable.  In fact – you can only visit the exclusion zone during the daytime.  We did. It was like a horror movie set.  I went picking through peoples things that were left behind.  They didn’t leave anything good though – unless you wanted a moo moo from 1972. Those were everywhere.

Montserrat is filled with a cast of characters a Hollywood casting agent dreams about.  My last night on island we had a party mixing Montserrations with Ex Pats – unusual – and filled with crazy.  Jonathon the young chinese music teacher was very upset because his dog had eaten two baby chicks that morning. We told him it wasn’t a big deal since he was Chinese he’d probably eat the dog later anyway – and it was now a DogDucken.  Or DogChicken to be more accurate.  The man who runs a B&B called The Watermelon Club introuduced us to his house guest – Denise – (her name was Cathy) and she kept telling us about how great her hotelier Andy was (his name is Trevor.)  How you can only have one guest at your place and not know each other’s names is really a symbol of just how relaxing it is in Montserrat.  We also discussed the Mountain Chicken problem. This is what they call the good frogs on the island who are being devoured by the bad frogs on the island.  A big island activity is frog popping.  That’s when you drive around and run over the bad frogs until you hear them pop.  We also talked about the Rooster personality disorder situation.  Roosters on island crow all day and all night.  I had one outside my window that really wanted to tell me something but I never did find out what it was.  It was the only animal I wanted to kill and eat.  I also had a lengthy conversation with Dwayne and Dieje about ladies on the island and discovered it’s kind of a rental situation.  I would like to be a renter when it comes to dating.  This seems less headachy.  The whole place is magical and I can’t wait to get back there.  You realize how wonderful a place is when you get smacked back in the face with America and ugly travelers who say things like “Obama is throwing one big party in Washington and I’m sick of paying for it.”  (Redneck.)  Or listening to the girl in front of you whine to her boyfriend about getting her pillow and blanket out of her suitcase. (Jew Bag)  My stewardess on the way home was obsessed with using the words “At this time.”  At this time I’d like you to shut the fuck up cause I’m tired and your voice is screeching through my headset.  By the time my flight was over – the peacefulness and silliness of Montserrat was almost evaporated from my brain – until I opened my suitcase this morning and found the packages of Cock Soup Mix I snuck home.  All is right in the world again.

7 comments on “Cock Blocked

  • That was so funny Hilary although i really am very good at names. People must think I have the beginnings of dreaded Alzheimer. Of course I don’t- tap on wood……got to run someone seems to be knocking at the door.
    Miss you

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

    Google photo

    You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

    Connecting to %s

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

    %d bloggers like this: