I hear when you get pregnant you get a swollen vagina and that no one tells you about it or talks about it. Well, why would they? That’s not even remotely cute. My newest pregnant friend revealed this the other day and now I’m super glad I didn’t have kids. I don’t need that on top of everything else that’s swollen. I’m still trying to suck off the peri-menopausal weight that’s hanging on like it gets a prize. I keep waiting for the day I wake up and get really depressed that I didn’t procreate but it never happens – even when I’m surrounded by babies all day writing for a television show that’s about raising babies as a single parent. I love holding the babies and then I love handing them back to the mom when I smell something bad or find myself about to say something using the word “it” instead of she. I watched that show “Pregnant in Heels” and someone made a smoothie out of their placenta and some Oreos and then drank it while they were still reeling in pain and covered in goo. That show should have a warning and a lock on my cable box. The only reason for me to get pregnant is so I can eat whatever I want. But then I’d have to remain pregnant forever and well we all know what happens when that happens – Angelina Jolie. Oh, I also can’t get pregnant because I’m old and my eggs have expired. I think about having kids every time I go shopping and buy something I don’t need like a four dollar necklace from Urban Outfitter that I should just give to the garbage man now because I’m quite certain I’ll never wear it. If I had a kid I wouldn’t be able to buy anything I truly need because I’d have to save up for stupid things like diapers, or wipes or nannies or a college education. These things would get in the way of my high top wedge sneaker purchase that I made yesterday because the thought of a life without these was a life not worth living. Maybe ten or twenty years from now everyone will want puffy vagina lips and I’ll have to spend my money on a plastic surgeon to get them but until then I say – kudos to you pregnant ladies – I hope somebody invents underpants with ice packs in them.