“Hi, my name is Heidi and I’m a Facebook Friendaholic.” I’ve been accepting total strangers as friends for about a year now because my inner guilty Jew won’t let me say no. I have no idea who some of these people are or how they’ve found me but I just can’t seem to press the ignore button when they request my friendship. It seems rude. It’s not my blog page either – its’ my personal page. I’ve never really thought about whom I allowed on this Facebook page until recently when my crazy brain started concocting stories and making me think that I was secretly harboring terrorist views through the wing nuts that have friended me. What if I get arrested for something on my page because I don’t know what it says? This is a posting from someone in Indonesia.
“Hamba yang paling celaka adalah hamba yang berwajah dan bermulut dua : ia memuji saudaranya di hadapannya dan menghibahnya di belakangnya, jika saudaranya itu dianugerahi nikmat, ia iri dan jika ia ditimpa musibah, ia menghinanya”
I really hope this doesn’t say – “kill whitey” or “death to Americans” or “quit posting pictures you sea hag”. I’ll never know. It’s not like I have anyone in my life who can do a translation. I almost don’t want to find out because then I’d have to unfriend this person or block them and I also have serious Jew guilt about that. What if they find out and stalk me and kill me. So, not only do I have no idea what that post says I don’t even know if it’s a he or a she who posted it. I can’t tell. There are too many vowels. I also have no idea what’s going on in Indonesia these days because – as I have so clearly stated – I am a moron. There’s also a girl from some Middle Eastern country who posts lots of pictures of hands covered in blood – uh oh. In retrospect this wasn’t a good idea. I wonder if there is a Facebook Police Department? They probably already have a giant file on me. What if we find out that Facebook is actually run by the government and it’s all been a ruse to make us feel safe and free when actually they’ve been studying us like lab rats and installing cameras in our computers while we were busy blogging about great places to eat a hot dog while masturbating? And no – I don’t know of any places to do that but if someone from Tehran friends me and asks me for that I’m sure I’ll figure out a way to find out. I wouldn’t want them to think I didn’t care about them. I’m quite certain that in ten years or so there will be some kind of therapy group for people who are addicted to Facebook. There will be a twelve step program to help guide you through your addiction. Step one – admit you have a problem. Step two – leave the house.