Ye Olde Shit Show

Published May 15, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Remember when you were little and you got caught smoking and your mom or dad would make you sit at the kitchen table and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in front of them until you got so completely nauseated you never wanted to smoke again?  Well someone needs to do that to me with clothes and shoes.  Maybe if I were forced to put on every item of clothing I own I’d be embarrassed and stop buying things because only a matter of moments after I threw out half the things I own – I started stockpiling again.   I had to – I had so many empty hangers just – well – hanging there – staring at me – silently asking me for things – pretty things.  I decided to give the hangers away too so that I’m not compelled to put new things on them.  I wouldn’t want them to get a complex from hanging around naked next to a fully clothed hanger.   What if they talk at night?

I’ve been trying to look at the upcoming summer the way most people look at a new year since I will most likely have the summer off to sit around and worry about not having a paycheck again.  The joy of being a writer is almost outdone by the fear of something we like to call a “pickup.”  It is fairly equivalent to the boy girl version since the line they use to keep your television show going is usually fairly cheesy but it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside and a little bit like the most popular girl in school.  Our show is so cute and smart and funny it has to get picked up.  I say that ten times before I go to bed each night.  Either way I am sure there will be some time off and free time in Los Angeles is like a vacation because it’s so beautiful everyday. Living in California is almost like being on a resort.  Everywhere you go people are ready to service your every need and the natives speak a language I don’t understand – I think it’s called dumb.   You can go to the beach and see beautiful women in bathing suits or strange street performers like the cockatiel lady who somehow made it on America’s Got Talent last night discussing how she wore a heavily patterned shirt to hide the fact that she’s covered in bird poo.   That made me proud.   I did see a commercial for something that looked like a fun summer outing – The Renaissance Festival.  The original is right here in California – shocking.   It’s called the Pleasure Faire which is only slightly disturbing and makes me think of another thing we are the capital of here in SoCal – porn.  RenFair lasts for over a month and a ticket is only 23 dollars or you can buy a season pass because quite frankly one day at the RenFair is not enough.  Everyone knows that.  May 12th was officially gay day at the fair this year.  I can’t believe I missed that.  I can’t imagine anything more amazing than a gay Renaissance fair.  The show Cupcake Wars is on hand this year to make Renaissance themed cupcakes.  No fucking idea what that means.  It’s actually the Golden Jubilee this year which means that these people have been traipsing around doing this nonsense for 50 years.  If you don’t have the right outfit you can visit Clothiers Row and get something made.  According to the website they carry the softest breeches, the perfect fit bodice and hats that turn heads.  I still have a few hangers left so – see you at RenFair.

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