Icing on the Shitcake

Published May 2, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Did you know that armadillos have been linked to leprosy in humans?  About 150 people in the United States contract leprosy every year.  What those people are doing out and about petting armadillos is beyond me.  They don’t seem at all huggable.  I would imagine this or a flesh eating virus would not be fun things to get.  Watching your skin get eaten by your own body would not be something I’d like to have to endure.  I’ve never seen an armadillo so I’m guessing I’m safe.  When they discover you can get leprosy from eating Easter Peeps however, I’m a dead woman.

I lost 13 pounds.  Yes, after a year of being a fat ass, my body has finally decided it likes one diet I’ve been trying – starvation.  Who knew that all you have to do to lose weight is not eat – anything – at all?  If only someone told me that consuming a piece of fruit and four dried peas a day would allow the pounds to melt off of me – I’d have been thinner a year ago.  I’m back in my 27 jeans and my size four clothes.  The size six pants are appropriately swimming on me – which makes me have just one reaction – “Why didn’t you people tell me how fat I was?”  My boobs are still holding on to the extra weight as if a man has told them to so the size two dresses are not in my extreme near future.

The cellulite situation does not seem to be fixing itself so I may actually have to return to the gym but that’s going to have to wait until I’m done with my very busy schedule of sitting around making excuses for not going to the gym.  I’m sorry but I hate working out.  All these people who talk about endorphin rushes and how much they love sweating are either mentally ill or lying or both or in love with someone at their gym and want to see them in the showers naked or doing a downward dog in front of their upturned smile.  I hate the smell of rubber and sweat.  Almost every locker room or workout space I’ve ever been in smells like the inside of a sweaty kids sock.  That’s not a smell I aspire to.   Why can’t running give me the same feeling as eating a cupcake?

I went to Sprinkles the other day to buy cupcakes for my friends because that’s how I eat them now – through other peoples mouths.  I’m like a momma bird without the chewing and spitting.  Buying cupcakes and watching other people eat them is good – for now – but the new S’mores flavor almost broke me down.  For the first time in a long time the Beverly Hills location did not have a line.  I was able to breeze in and buy my dozen cupcakes without much of a wait.  There was a huge line however for the vending machine that sits right next to the store and sells one cupcake at a time.  The people standing are this line are clearly retarded.  Why not just walk three feet to the left and purchase a single cupcake?  I guess everyone just loves a gimmick.  If Sprinkles wrapped my dogs turds in a little box and shot them through a conveyer belt and onto the streets of Beverly Hills – some asshole would buy it.  People love a fad, a trend, something they can tell their friends back in Texas they did when they went on their big trip to Hollywood.  I guess I get it.  Just leave your Armadillo’s home.  I don’t want to see you drop anything while you’re chomping on a red velvet street cake.

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