Dialing It Down

Published April 27, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Here’s a little “who knew” I discovered at 2 a.m. last night when I couldn’t sleep – Home Shopping Club is selling dildo’s and cock rings.  Party.  It may not have been “THE” home shopping club but it was some dirty version of that network and it was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in the middle of the night since my NYC days of watching Robin Byrd bang her box on public access television.  The segment was called “The Adam & Eve Hour” and these two perfectly normal looking women were sitting around selling items you don’t normally see these types of women selling.  It was like a very special episode of the “Ho Shopping Network.”  Everything looked the same except the products.  The neat trim outfits, the beautifully coiffed hair, and the perfectly manicured French nails pointing at things – it’s just that those things had names like “The Super Head Honcho” and Barbara and Judy were saying things like “Item K23 – her clitoris will never be ignored.”  Wow.  I was waiting for them to whip out the number one selling sex toy in the country – the fleshlight – which is a vagina on a stick – but they never got to that.   I’m not sure why we need a vagina that lights up but I’m sure someone will explain it to me someday.  I do know that you can buy your favorite porn stars vagina in the form of one of these fleshlights so that has to make a girl feel special and a way to compensate her for having to have had hot mold material poured into her vadge.  When I’m having a hard day in the writers room I like to remind myself of some of the other ways people are making livings.

I also started watching “Eastbound & Down” recently, which I am well aware I’m the last person to find out about.  I can’t believe I’ve been missing a show where a lead male character says to his white trash whore girlfriend “Honey I love you but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.”  That’s pretty much the polar opposite of what we write every day.  I’m starting to think that maybe the sweet smartness of our show is leading me to watch really trashy shit at night, which may prove to be embarrassing at some point.  Peaches and Tulip don’t seem to mind.  They’ll snore through anything.  At least I’m not writing what I used to write which would have been super painful these past few weeks between the death of Dick Clark and the engagement of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  One was sad, the other was pathetic but the later story was covered by way more magazines than the first.  Sure you created an entire genre of television but is your death really as important as a Hollywood engagement.  We think not Dick.  I guess most people feel Dick died after his stroke and would rather remember him before that hideous kiss he planted on his wife that one New Years Eve in Times Square where he was clearly stroke stuck to her face.  That is a memory seared onto my brain.  I’m not sure how any magazines are making any money because it seems the only people they cover are Brangelina and The Kardoucheians and quite frankly I’m sick of reading about all of them.  I hear those Armoanians just signed a huge deal with the E! network.  In my opinion they take the exclamation point OUT of that network but what do I know – I just bought a cock ring on television.

5 comments on “Dialing It Down

  • Clearly it took you too long to decide to buy your cock ring, because if you had acted fast, you would have 2 for the price of one… maybe even free shipping.

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