Closet Case

Published April 23, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Yesterday at approximately 4:53 pm I came to a horrifying realization about my life – I am a hoarder.  It started out as a simple enough spring cleaning – switch out my winter clothes closet for my summer clothes closet.  Now I realize just admitting that I have winter and summer closets immediately labels this an annoying white girl problem especially for someone who lives somewhere where there are no discernable seasons.  That said – I do segregate my clothing and place them into warmer and cooler areas as best I can but I do admit – there tends to be crossover.  I also have a coat closet, a fancy dress closet and a shoe closet.  Maybe I should just stop here.  The problem is, I don’t like to throw things out because the second I do – it seems I want those things again and despite the fact that I haven’t remembered I have high waisted floral pants in leather for the past six years the second I toss them – I remember I had them – and go looking for them – and crumble in a heap that I no longer have high waisted floral leather pants.  Where the fuck are those high waisted floral leather pants.  I found a fur vest from 1989, a dress from when I lived in NYC sixteen years ago, and at least three tops I think I owned before I had pubic hair.  Yes,  yesterday I really was smacked in the face with how much I love clothing and how much clothing I have and how disgusting the amount of clothing I have is and by the end of the day and four closets I really thought – I’ll never buy another clothing item again.  Let’s not even get into the fact about the different sizes I have in everything.  I could easily have opened a store in my house yesterday.  People always tell me to sell my shit on ebay but who the fuck has that kind of time and quite frankly the thought of selling a four dollar blouse I got at TopShop is just embarrassing.  It’s not like the houses of Gucci, Dior and Chanel are having a clothing war in my closets.  I usually buy quantity not quality when it comes to clothing because I can’t decide what style I want to wear on any given day and it’s too costly to buy expensive trendy items.  Shoes and handbags however – are a whole other Oprah.  I could save a small country on what’s happening in my shoe closet.   By the end of the day I had six giant garbage bags filled with clothing and that’s not including the items I plan on giving my friend Nancy – she likes tops. The other stuff was just too hideous to give to anyone.  In fact – I didn’t even drop it off at a thrift store – I just placed it in front of my house. I figured with all the transients that walk by my house in need of bottles and such – there’s a good chance one of them will enjoy a Betsey Johnson dress from 1993.  Nothing would please me more than to see that first thing in the morning.

I got rid of belts that haven’t reached around my waist or hips in years.  I tried them on the only area they fit but they were a bit clunky as chokers.   I even threw out a few pairs of shoes but only after realizing they were so destroyed they’d be too embarrassing to wear.  I did say a prayer and light a candle for those however because it just seems like such a travesty to throw out a shoe.  I also completely dumped my entire ironic t-shirt collection.  These were the hardest things to toss despite the fact that I haven’t worn one in about three years.  I was really clinging to the Hello Bad Kitty, Eat Shit and Die, Jesus Is My Homeboy images on the graphic t’s but I knew it was time to say goodbye. No longer will I be able to offend someone by just taking off my jacket and revealing what’s underneath.  Unless of course I don’t start tossing some of my bra’s from the seventies.  They’re hideous.


3 comments on “Closet Case

  • Ahhhh….the Jesus is my Homeboy tee…I personally let go of that one about 7 years ago. Threw it in a salvation army to go bag but my friend Moe dug it out of the fashion disaster rubble and wore it as part of his Halloween costume that year. But the funniest thing I remember is that some clown tried to break into his apt late that evening and Moe caught dude crawling in the window. Burglar was startled…not only because he was busted but because Moe went ballistic while sporting JIMH shirt….which btw was mad tight and cropped on him and some underwear! The thief slithered back out of the window and all he was able to steal was Moe’s raggedy cell phone that was sitting on the window sill. I always wondered if he called someone in some far away country to tell them what a night he had! Heidi…you crack me up! Thanks for reminding me of some of my wardrobe WTF moments!!

  • You say that the problem was that you didn’t like to throw things away. It’s clear to me that the problem was that you acquired too much before deciding that you had too much. Being very selective about what comes in is a lot more fun and it makes the disposal of worn out and obsolete items much easier than what you’ve put yourself through.

    As far as those garbage bags full of clothes, donating is better than throwing them in the trash, no matter how hideous they are. Most donated clothes are never worn again, but they don’t go to the landfill; they end up being shredded and reprocessed for things like couch stuffing. Those floral pants are perfect in the padding of an upholstered chair.

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