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All posts for the month February, 2012

#Oscar 2012 – Americans Need Not Apply

Published February 27, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Here are my thoughts on the Oscars… as they happened.

Pre Show:

Tim Gunn is very gay.   He needs to take the gay down to 11.   Why is someone asking George Clooney who he’s rooting for?  That’s a stupid fucking question.  Tom Hanks and Jess Cagle look awkward in the winners walk.  This is so precious Gaby Sidebay should be doing it with Tyler Perry directing.  Most used words during pre show “over to you.”   This is clearly the first Oscar show ever produced.   Do they think no one watching has ever seen the Academy Awards or a movie?

 

Academy Awards:

Morgan Freeman – I smell pomp.  Billy Crystal got fat.  Justin Bieber was genius – four words that prove the apocalypse is near.  I think I’ve seen this open before.  Oh look two men kissing.  Is this “Some Like It Hot?”   Oh good let’s make fun of 9/11.  How many old Jews does it take to write an Oscar monologue?  If you are watching this telecast you have automatically been sent a walker.   This song is ridiculous.  This show is killing in Jewish retirement villages around the world.  Is this just the Jewish telecast?   Carl the seat filler should be named Best Dressed.  Guess I need to see Hugo.  I’m bored already.  J Lo is very shiny.  Shiny and Booby.   She’s Shooby.  Who fucked the hot out of Cameron Diaz.  Guess I need to see The Artist.   Why are all the nominees talking.  There’s too much talking.  I’m bored.   Are they showing all these old movie clips so we remember when good movies were nominated?  I like the movies but I don’t care about any of your dreams.  Money Ball is no Field of Dreams.  I had no idea Sandra Bullock was German.  I thought this was the Jewish telecast?  All the old people in the retirement homes just had Nazi flashbacks.  Now I get the Jesse James thing.  Oh goody more movies I haven’t seen.  Oh goody more borscht belt humor from Billy.  Henny Youngman called –  he wants his jokes where he is.  Nick Nolte looks pissed.   Note to Octavia Spencer – a standing ovation is Hollywood’s way of saying “we’re not racist.”  Shecky Green called – he wants his Catskills act back.  The Oscars just made Christopher Guest jump the shark.  Why is Billy Crystal constantly thanking people.  He didn’t win anything.   Bradley Coopers mustache is unnerving.  I just won a sound editing award for best lowering of the volume during this dullfest.   Guess I need to see Hugo.   Miss Piggy equals shark jump.  Hot naked bendy men – okay I’m back.   If  Robert Downey Jr. ever sees the playback of this he’s going straight back to heroin.   Can we get a microphone for this 4 billion dollar production that works?  Why do they have to cut people off?  Chris Rock is Afro American tonight.  Emma Stone saves the Oscars.  Oh look Ben Stiller is playing a douche – or himself.   There is no way a gay Von Trapp is gonna lose.  Guess I need to see The Beginners.  I wish Siri was hosting the Oscars.   Please make Billy Crystal stop.  Why are there popcorn chicks?  What is happening?  Owen Wilson is a weirdo.  Guess I need to see The Artist.  No idea what that French guy is saying.  Why are there so many French people winning – don’t you Jews know they hate us? I wish I could leave and go home now but I am home.   What is happening with Angelina’s leg?  Is it doing that on it’s own.  Why is she doing that?  I don’t understand what’s happening.  Who is she?   That was weird.  Mila Jovovitch?  When did she get in the  Oscar club?  Have they not seen her movies?  Isn’t she just a foreign Sean Young?   Reese Witherspoon just admitted “Overboard” is her favorite movie so she won’t be showing her face in this town ever again.   “Bridesmaids” saves the Oscars.   More French people winning awards.   Guess I really need to go see The Artist.  Meryl Streep is very classy.  I wonder if Tom Cruise gets bummed out that he’ll never win an Oscar.  Guess I really really need to see The Artist.  Lets all move to France and have an Academy Awards show where only Americans win.  That’s three hours of my life I’ll never get back.

The Hot Dog Man Cometh

Published February 26, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I missed Jewlicious 8 and I’m mad about it.  I think my mailman is a week behind all the other mailmen in Los Angeles because I got the flyer yesterday telling me to come to the Jewlicious Festival at the Queen Mary in Long Beach that already happened.   There was Challah baking, pickle making, comedy, music and star appearances from famous fellow Jews like Mayim Bialik.   Why a bunch of  Jews want to be trapped on a floating toilet for a weekend is beyond me but I don’t like finding things out after the fact.  I have a lot of errands and important things to do on the weekends but I would have carved out at least a few hours to check out the Jew happenings.  I scanned the website to see if there had been any cute men at the festival but it was hard to tell through the massive amount of facial hair which is clearly mandatory.  It should have been called the “Leave No Beard Behind” festival.  I’m not a fan of facial hair unless it’s an evil goatee.  One of the leaders of the festival seems to be a Rabbi Yonah who even has his own facebook page and pictures of his Mishpocha. (family in Yiddish)   He also has his own website and was named a top ten Jewish Influencer by @jewishtweets.  I don’t even know what the fuck that means but he seems like a cool Jew.  I studied Kaballah for a couple of years which I thought was pretty cool until I started realizing that the majority of Kabballists really didn’t believe non Jews could be Jews even through conversion but that didn’t stop them from taking their promotion of Kaballah or their money – i.e. Madonna, Demi etc. I once spent a Yom Kippur weekend with all of the Los Angeles Kaballists at a hotel in SoCal.  I don’t remember a second of it.  I think I was bored into a coma.  I never would have quit smoking or drinking if it weren’t for those two years so for that I am eternally grateful but at some point organized religion for me becomes just another way for human beings to segregate and I don’t like that one bit.    I remember going to one Shabbat service at the temple and pointing out a hot black man to one of the women.     I had seen him every weekend for months.  She said “Oh you don’t want to date him – he’s not Jewish.”  I stopped going pretty soon after that.

I went to have dinner with a friend last night and on may stopped at a 7 Eleven which is basically a really stupid thing to do after dark if you don’t own a gun.  The second I got out of my car one guy asked me for money and another guy started running across the street screaming to get to me.  He was a huge black man dodging cars and yelling “Can you please buy me a hot dog!”  I had no idea 7 Eleven hot dogs were that tasty.  He was barreling towards me and I quickly ran inside the store because all I could picture were New York homeless people who throw bricks at your heads.  I bought him a hot dog and when I came outside and gave it to him he said “What’s your name?”  I told him and he said “Thank You, my name is Terry.”  He was super happy about the hot dog.  I was super happy he didn’t kill me.  He was way up in my personal space.  I felt badly that I had possibly just handed him a ground up cat or rat in a bun but Terry didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would care.   It definitely wasn’t kosher.  People always tell me they don’t give homeless people money because they are just going to use it to buy drugs or liquor.  This is a ridiculous fucking thought.  Unless you are planning to open a rehab center for homeless people – give someone a dollar and hope they use it for food.  Stop judging people who don’t even have a bed.

Sometimes people only take care of their own kind which seems incredibly un-American to me.  Everyone has a parade and a festival and while I don’t think there is anything wrong with celebrating who you are I don’t think there’s anything right with  insulating yourselves from everyone who isn’t just like you.  Go buy Terry a hot dog.  He’s on Sunset Blvd. near Highland.

The Liquor Pig

Published February 26, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

When I get to heaven I hope all the things I lose on a daily basis will be waiting for me in one fluffy white place.  This would mean that my cloud room will contain pens, socks, keys, and my invisalign mouth trays.  Not much of a swank palace but it works for me.  I found one of my 7000 dollar mouth trays in Tulips doggy mouth the other morning.   That’s the same mouth that gets within inches of her own poo and her Auntie Peaches ass.  There really isn’t enough boiling water in all of the land to get that thing back in my mouth.  Not sure if she thinks she has an overbite situation brewing but I didn’t want to tell her it’s not as much fun as it looks.  In fact – if I ever have a sleep over again – the night trays are going to have to be dealt with – because I’m not shoving one of those things in before I get it in – if you know what I mean – and you do know exactly what I mean if you watch Snookie.  She likes to get it in.  A lot.  I’m thinking about building a smoosh room in my house.  It will look exactly like my bedroom but it will only be used for sex.  I think if you have a smoosh room in your house it will cut down on that annoying guessing game you play with your other half – “I wonder if he/she/it wants to do it tonight?”  A smoosh room removes any kind of question and any kind of dignity.   I guess when you’re so drunk you forgot to wear underwear or your brain – it doesn’t really matter what kind of room you end up in at the end of the night.

One of the things that bums me out about no longer being allowed to drink without the fear of being arrested, waking up in a pothole or dying are all the cool things they’ve come up with to get people drunk since I announced I was a liquer pig.  Lower calorie beers have lead to gluten free beers and crazy vodka lemon drinks.  Everything’s infused with something and nothing is just a simple shot of anything.  More vodka’s have been invented in my lifetime than cures for anything which makes sense since everyone’s shitfaced.  Today I passed a billboard that said “Lights, Camera, Absinthe” so I guess now you can purchase booze that contains something that used to be considered a dangerously addictive psychoactive drug.  That pisses me off.  Who wouldn’t want to drink that?  Hey lets get so drunk we have no idea who we are! Absinthe was actually banned in the US in 1915 but I guess it’s back – in a big way.    Back in the late 19th early 20th century Absinthe was the choice cocktail among artists and writers.  Ernest Hemmingway, Toulouse-Lautrec, and Vincent Van Gogh loved the shit and look how good things worked out for them – after they died.  Why anyone would want to add this to their lets get so fucked up I can’t see my hands repertoire is beyond me.  Absinthe seems to be another lame thing to add to Demi Moore’s party bus list.  She can suck up a whippet,  smoke a little salvia and then finish off a bottle of Absinthe.  Why not?  Isn’t that why someone invented rehab?

I haven’t been to rehab but it seems everyone’s doing it or done it or doing it for the fifth and sixth time.  It’s either so much more fun than real life or it doesn’t work at all.   I think I’d rather lock myself in my smoosh room with some pens and draw fake mustaches on the gorilla juice head i just banged while he’s sleeping.  Shit – I just revealed my Saturday night plans.  Busted.

 

Wrap It Up

Published February 23, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Zac Effron dropped a condom on the red carpet at the premiere of  “The Lorax.”  He was passing his publicist something from his pocket when it fell to the ground.  Zac must be getting some serious twatalupe if he feels the need to have condoms on him at all times including the most inappropriate of times like the premiere of a children’s movie.  Who did he think he was going to meet there?  One of Brad Pitt’s kids?  Hey that Shiloh is looking hot even if she does dress like a boy.  I don’t know what “The Lorax” is about but I don’t think it’s an audience participation movie that involves anything you might need a condom for.  Maybe he wanted to make balloons for the kids in the audience?  Maybe he’s so busy he was going on a date right after the premiere?  Imagine being the girl he was hooking up with that night who today is finding out that he planned to bang her the entire time.  That’s awkward.  Even for a celebrity.   Thankfully it wasn’t a used condom and yes that could happen.  Who does that?  Famous guys who don’t want random chicks they’re banging to steal their spooge and implant it after they leave.  This is Hollywood.  This shit happens.

Back when I was having sex no one wore condoms because there was no disease.  It was also really hard to get to each other’s homes because we lived so far apart and not everyone had a horse and buggy.  Back then girls took the birth control pill which now seems like a really hideous idea and I can’t imagine it didn’t do massive amounts of damage to their systems.  How could it not?  Here take this – it kills all kinds of shit including shit that could lead to you needing a swing set.  I never took the birth control pill because the list of side effects terrified me.  Headache, Dizziness, Nausea, Breakthrough Bleeding, Decreased Libido, and Mood Swings.  What the fuck is Breakthrough Bleeding?  I didn’t want to find out.  Nowadays there’s the Nuvaring which I don’t understand at all.  It’s described as a ring you put in your vagina that prevents pregnancy for up to three weeks.  Apparently it has hormones in it that stops you from producing eggs.  How on earth can this be a good thing?   This has to lead to some sort of retardation and I mean in the woman not the eggs.    I bet if men got pregnant there would be a slew of new approaches that didn’t involve putting crazy shit in your body.  No man would shove some weird circle tubing with chemicals in it inside their scrotums.  Unless of course that tubing gave them unlimited orgasms and then the shoving would be happening at a break neck speed.   I know I’m not the first person to think – how come no one has ever invented the birth control pill for men to take?  The answer to that is – hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha.   The birth control industry is a multi billion dollar industry which  leads to me to think that maybe the world needs to take a giant pause in the fucking department.  Let’s all stop thinking about sex for two seconds and focus on something else.  If you’re having trouble clearing your brain just visualize scrawny Zac Effron wrapping up his hairless penis in a condom.  That oughta do it.

Bridge To Nowhere

Published February 21, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I have a hot dentist.  He is young and sexy, a former Naval Officer and a Jew.  The last two are almost impossible to find together in one person.  Jews don’t enlist – at least not American Jews.  My dentist is the kind of dentist that makes you want to dress up for your appointments.  This is no sweatpants and uggs session – this is a Gucci dress and heels.  There is only one problem with my dentist – he’s a dentist – the single most barbaric job in the entire universe.  Hitler could have learned a thing or two from dentists.  A dentist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain and scraping food barnacles off of teeth.  This is not a sexy job.  Every time I walk in to the office the voice in my head plays the scene from the Dustin Hoffman movie “Marathon Man” – “is it safe – driiiiiiiiiiilllllllll.”  I could just be going in for a teeth cleaning but the cold sweat that occurs the second I hit the fifth floor offices is pavlovian.  I always delay the start of my session by grabbing that giant plastic toothbrush with the bathroom key and pee about sixteen times.  By the way – really?  Can’t we just have a regular key chain.  We’re adults.  We’re not going to lose it.   Must I carry a toothbrush from the movie “Big” with me for added humiliation?  Isn’t it bad enough that I’m going to be drooling all over myself and my paper fucking bib within the hour?    I’d like to see Adrianna Lima in the dentist chair drooling all over herself.  That would make me feel better about me.  If I could rewind a portion of my life it would be the parts where I ignored my teeth and didn’t floss enough.  I would spit out those hard candies I loved cracking with my super hard young teeth.  I would pay attention to my gums.  Sadly – I needed a bridge repaired yesterday – and it was two hours of my life that resembled a scene from the movie “Saw” in fact – it was all five “Saws.”   There was blood,  screaming,  chair gripping, and I believe in the end – tears.  My hot dentist used tools that could have only come from a Conan The Barbarian movie set.  He hammered chipped and pulled with what I can only assume were pliers and he kept shooting me full of novocaine but it didn’t matter – I felt like I could feel everything.   In a course of two hours I was transported from Brentwood to Buchenwald and the charge was 45oo dollars.  That’s why you marry a Jewish dentist ladies.  In fact, is there any other kind?  Maybe my death camp comparison isn’t that far off.  Maybe it’s payback.  Think about it.

Does anyone in the entire world think that the Daily News headline “Chink in the Armor” about Asian basketball player Jeremy Lin isn’t racist?  I’d like to meet them.  They are the most gullible person on the planet and I would like to sell them my dog run and tell them poop is the new oil.   I mean – I throw a racial slur around like a lightweight Frisbee but I don’t run a New York newspaper.  The guy who wrote the headline apologized saying he didn’t realize he was offending anyone and that it was a phrase he has used hundreds of times over the years.  I say – hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha – you my friend are a massive douchetard.  That is some crazy shit even for a New Yorker.    Sadly, it’s a word I know all too well because back in the sixties that’s what all Jews used to describe Sunday Night dinner… let’s go for Chinks.   I’m not proud.  It’s just a fact.  The whole story is proof that we as a nation are so far apart from where we should be as human beings who support and nurture each other not tear each other down.  America needs our own in house superstructure.   I’m gonna ask my hot dentist to build us a bridge.

Little People, Smelly World

Published February 16, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Last night I came to the heart stopping realization that God really is listening to my prayers because for the first time ever there is a little person on the new season of Survivor.  I love little people.  I would love them more if I could call them midgets but I’m okay with the pc term they enjoy because I enjoy them just that much.  Peter Dinklage is a hero to me and not just because he can act his normal size ass off but because he gets chicks – in fact – he got a wife – a hot full size wife.  I have never met a male little person that had a problem with his height and I lived in New York so I’ve known a lot of little people.  I had one drinking buddy that was a dwarf back in the day and we used to get shit faced together every night at the bar.  I loved him.  He had a girlfriend.  I was single.  I fell off my bar stool.  He did not.  I don’t know if they hand out more confidence to little men when they’re born or it’s the knowledge that you won’t live a long life that drives them to be tough but I know a few regular sized dudes who could learn a thing or two from an under four footer.   Except Verne Troyer.  He took his shit way too far.  There’s a video of him doing stuff to a full size chick and it’s at a 13 on the creepy meter.  I don’t think I could date a little person.  I would feel like a child molester and I couldn’t wear any of my super high shoes.  I’d rather just date a really hot tall kid.  Some people have a real fear of little people.  I say if someone is too short to see my wrinkles – bring him on.

Remember back when dating was popular and you would interview someone over a steak and find out what kind of tricks they could do or weird body talents they had.  Nobody does this anymore.  They just read about them on Facebook or Google them before the date and never end up talking about important things like can you tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue or remove your bra at the table without anyone knowing.  Nowadays they just invite them to the South Street Seaport for drinks and get accused of raping them in an apartment before they go back to their now inappropriately named television show Good Day New York.   That chick should be run out of the country.    I never did like dating because it just felt like a hideously long interview but I think I’d rather do that than post a picture of myself on a dating site.  People seem to be really desperate these days and that makes me feel kind of sad.  I posted a picture of my dog Peaches on the website OKCupid and she’s had over 16 responses from what appear to be very old men who think maybe she just has a depilatory situation.

There was a commercial on last night for a new 12 hour fresh breath strip that completely eliminated morning breath.  This to me is not a good idea because morning breath is just one of the old fashioned ways to figure out just how much you care about someone.  If you can handle that and being trapped in the same bathroom when they’re dropping a paint peeling poop – it’s love.  Jeff Probst once told me that the only thing he wished about Survivor was that people at home could smell just how bad the contestants smell after a few days.  He said it’s beyond ripe and the hardest thing he does is keep a straight face when in close proximity to the players.  I love when they fall in love on that show because that’s all I focus on now.  The stench.  That’s love.  I hope the little guy gets a girlfriend this season but they say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle and that may just be too much for me.

Good Vibrations

Published February 15, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I just read that pumpkin seeds increase a woman’s libido.  Unfortunately I read this after I consumed a massive bag of them last night and became convinced that if I left the house to walk the dogs the pumpkin seeds would drive me into a lustful rage and I would hit on anyone who came my way which would not be a good thing on my block because everyone is either married or very hairy.  It does explain a lot about my youth though because I’ve always been a big fan of pumpkin seeds.  I guess if you’re looking for a good time a glass of wine and a pack of seeds is a lot cheaper than oysters.  So much has changed about sex since I first started having it back in the days of merkin’s and cod pieces and I mean just on the technical front.   I keep seeing an ad for Trojan Twisters that quite frankly I’d be afraid to put on my penis if I were a guy.  I don’t even know if it’s a condom or a vibrator but anything with the word twister in the title really should be reserved for something that happens in Kansas not in your pants.   I know lots of women like vibrators – in fact say that they can’t live without them – but if I were a dude I’d hide them from my girlfriend or wife because once you get used to “The Hitachi Magic Wand”, “The G-Swirl”, “The Rabbit Habit” and “The Water Dancer”, there really isn’t much point to having “The Mouth Breather.”  Just sayin’.   I have a vibrator somewhere in my house.  I just can’t remember where I hid it.

Seconds after I turned on the coffee pot this morning I forgot that I turned it on and went back over and flicked the switch again – thereby turning it off – which I of course didn’t realize because the printing on the on/off switch is so small I can’t read it without my glasses on which I don’t have handy first thing in the morning because I can’t remember where I left them when I fell asleep.  I am blind without contacts or glasses and I need reading glasses on top of my contact lenses anyway which is just another thing for me to lose.  I really wish I could see.  People who have lasik always say  “Oh my god I had no idea leaves on trees looked like that?”  What the fuck did you think they looked like?  Toasters?  I will never get lasik surgery because I will be the one person who has a laser on their eyeball when an earthquake hits and all I will hear is the eye doctor say – oops.  No – I’d rather stumble into the end of my bed and knick my shin in the exact same place for the 290th time just this week.    I went to get my eyes checked yesterday and I did find out I’ve been wearing the wrong contact lenses for about  a year so blindness is just around the corner – or cataracts – which are also very sexy.   My dog had those and she fell down the stairs a lot.  She once fell out of the house –  so I have that to look forward to as well.  I went to take my friends Brian and Nick out for dinner the other night and when the bill arrived I realized that I didn’t have my wallet with me.  I remember at some point before leaving the house thinking “don’t forget to grab your wallet” but once again that thought was replaced seconds later with – where’s my lipstick or what purse should I use – or is that dog shit I smell?  I did the panic dance at the table as my face flushed with red.  How embarrassing.  I was truly mortified.  But not so mortified that just three and a half moments after I pulled out of the parking lot I pulled in to the supermarket to grab some things, hit the check out , and oh fuck I don’t have my wallet.  How can I forget something that happened three and a half minutes ago?  What is happening to me?  Do I need to just move to Florida now?  I feel like I should at least get the diapers out of the way.  I lose my slippers on a nightly basis yet they always show up in the same place after I’ve checked there two or three times.  I think I have a slipper fairy.  She has a fantastic memory and terrific eyesight.   I bet she eats pumpkin seeds.