There should be a warning that comes on at the beginning of The Bachelor that says “please take your herpes medication now” because I am quite certain you will catch an STD just from watching one single episode of this parade of vileness. You have to want to be on television really badly to end up in this dating pool of mentally deficient DNA. I don’t care how old I sound but if there wasn’t a phrase that signaled the world is coming to an end – there is one now – “please accept this rose.”
I took a test this morning and found out that I am 48.6 years old, which is weird because I feel 49.2 years old on most days and 47.3 years old on really good days. The quiz was designed to help me determine my real age and prompted me to “Live life to The Youngest” which already made me want to punch the quiz in the face. Most of the questions were pretty normal but quite a few of them already had answers checked off when I popped into them. For instance – the question about marital status had a little tick in the box next to “Never married, living alone” and while it was visible only to me – it also said loser right under the box – like a hologram. High cholesterol was checked off to. Duh. It asked how often I participate in group activities like religious services, clubs, social groups and craft groups. Unless they count Wicken meetings that was zero for me. I want to know what the significance of these are for prolonging my life but I’m pretty sure that going to a book club with a bunch of wine soaked moms who love romance novels and need to discuss why Tristan left Felicia would have taken ten to twenty years off of my life. My favorite question was – How often do you reach orgasm during sex? I started to think that there was someone on the other end of the computer with his dick in his hands on this one just tricking me into an answer because really – if orgasms are going to make me live longer – than I am fucked for not being fucked. Big time. My favorite question however was the one I’m sure made me 48.6 and not 38.6. It said “Check the statements below that are true. Answer honestly according to your own feelings.” Ruh Roh. This was the list of statements I was to choose one or two from.
1) I think many people use their bad luck to get sympathy and help from others.
2) It takes a lot of discussion to get people to believe the truth.
3) Most people are only honest out of a fear of being caught lying.
4) Most people will use somewhat unfair means to get or keep what they want.
5) Most people only make friends because they’re likely to be useful to them.
6) I’ve met a lot people who were supposed to be experts but who were no better than I.
7) People often demand more respect than they’re willing to give to others.
8) I think most people would lie to get ahead.
9) None of the above.
The only one I didn’t check was 9. The quiz also asked me how many natural teeth I have so quite frankly it was a bit odd but I think the proof is in that I have some trust issues with humans and I’m pretty sure I’m too old to change how I feel.
Last night before I went to bed I made fur coats for my dogs Peaches and Tulip. I used the massive amounts of their own fur that is lying around my house. I could knit two entire dogs out of their shed hair but I don’t want PETA to come after me. If my cleaning lady ever quits I will kill myself and despite my hatred for having everything covered in a coat of their coat – there is nothing that could make me love them less. On the other hand, if a man had back hair that dropped off onto my couch – he’d be waxed or he’d be living outside in a crate. If a human being did any of the things my dogs did I would get rid of them instantly. My dogs fart, shit in the house, burp, slobber, eat my shoes, pee on my couch, and vomit on my good rugs and yet they still get to sleep in my bed at night and I desperately try to spoon them despite their objections and despite the fact that my arm still hurts when I lie on my right side because Peaches broke it in three places dragging me off of my feet to eat a small dog back in June. If a man did any of these things I would not find it cute and if one broke my arm he’d be in jail or dead because my friend Brian would kill him. I need to change. I need to become more tolerant so that I can date someone because I really need help paying half of my mortgage and I’m going to need a wheel up to the canasta table later in life and someone to restock my adult diapers when I get low. I think these are good reasons to settle down. If you see me on J date later don’t tell anyone my real age. It’s 357 – in dog years.