Breaking News! My pajama jeans just arrived. It was a two for one deal so I also got those penis enlargement pills. I can’t imagine it will be hard to find someone to take those off my hands. It was either that or prozac and if I start taking that I’ll stop being mental and that wouldn’t be fun for anyone. I know I’m the last one to get the pajama jean but I had to find just the right pair – the official pajama jean – the ones that are good for travel, shopping, exercise and more!! What more is there? I don’t know, but now that I have my pajama jeans, I’m going to find the fuck out!! They came with an instructional video so I have to carve an hour out today to watch that. Maybe it will explain to me why I need European Styling in my pajama jeans. They say there’s a fit for every figure and you can get up to a XXX which I’ll betcha is the most popular size. The ad promises that I’ll “look put together all day long” and this is something I had no idea you could get in a box in the mail for two easy payments of 19.95. I know Chanel can’t say that.
I love having things arrive in the mail. The absolute highlight of any day is coming home to find a package at my front door – one that hasn’t been chewed to pieces by my dogs who think the mailman has tossed a big paper chew toy over the gate. They have devoured quite a few “as seen on t.v.” products. I never did find out what happened to my Miracle Socks. I’m thinking about getting into one of those something of the month clubs. They have so many now -Pickles, Dessert, Puzzles. I don’t know who’s getting the Pickle of The Month but they’re probably the same people getting the Chips and Salsa of the Month along with the Bloody Mary of the Month. These are real. I do not lie. How about Soup of The Month? It’s real. Why go to the supermarket or store anymore? The Breakfast of The Month Club says “nothing starts the day off right better than breakfast” so they send pancake mix or waffles or scones or crepes. Crepes? That doesn’t seem possible. I want to join to find out. What does a muffin that arrives by mail taste like? I’ll have to interview Peaches and Tulip if I get this club.
I think it’s awesome that so many companies are making it so easy to become a big fat poor shut in. After all – how else will A&E’s Hoarders stay on the air? Without all these people staying home and ordering shit for six easy payments – there would be no morbidly obese white people living in trailers parked next to their houses that are filled to the brim with shit they bought online. Where do all these fat people get all of these old cars anyway? Do they acquire them when they get too fat for one and have to move in to another? It’s hard to find a skinny hoarder.
Maybe if we started putting the names of poor families and homeless children on line we could convince people to buy one. For three easy payments you could save this family… heck they’ll move in with you if you want. Go ahead America – strap on your pajama jeans – shove some Beef Jerky of The Month in your face – and buy yourself a Homeless Person of The Month. You’ll feel better and I’ll bet A&E will make a show about you.