License to Bred

Published November 28, 2011 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I have decided to become a Pity Party Planner.  Everybody is having one so I’m pretty sure I won’t have a hard time making money in fact – I should be a gazillionaire within a week.  The entire country sounds like one old jew – pissing and moaning about things that just don’t matter and the way everyone carried on this past black Friday pretty much proves my point.  When you are ready to kill someone for a television – you need a time out.  A big time out.  Obviously the theme of the pity party would always stay the same but there are endless possibilities for how I could switch them up.   I would imagine the pity party honoree would be a difficult client since they are razor focused on themselves and no one else.  If you got one tiny detail wrong you’d have pity party squared and nobody wants that.   The most difficult thing about throwing a pity party for someone is getting other people to show up.  No one wants to hear someone else’s complaining ass bullshit especially if that bullshit is “I didn’t get what I wanted for Christmas.”

The holiday themed music has started here in Los Angeles and I don’t know whether to hum along or stab someone but I have to be honest and say it’s usually the later choice.  Why can’t everyone wait before they start shoving Santa and his sleigh down my throat?  I know Rudolph has a red nose but the concept of letting him play regular reindeer games is lost on me – or being drowned out by all the merriment.  It’s not just the fact that I’m Jewish that makes Xmas a problem – it’s the fact that I’m cranky and Jewish that makes Xmas a problem and go ahead all you non Jews right now who are horrified that I “took the Christ out of Christmas” by using an X.  Christ left Christmas a long time ago – probably the day we started giving each other diamonds and Xboxes.

Everyone is just so darn happy this time of year.  I saw a couple making out at the supermarket yesterday.  They weren’t just showing some affection they were full on dry hump mashing in the cosmetics aisle.  Maybe they are a brand new couple and just can’t keep their hands off of each other or maybe they were just so happy they found the product they’d desperately been searching for like baking soda toothpaste or fluoride rinse or herpes cream but I really don’t need to see this in Aisle 2.  Thank kind of behavior belongs in the meat aisle.  I wanted to give them some sort of citation or at least tell them their behavior was unsuitable in front of children and me.  Thankfully I keep most of these thoughts in my head which is why it is certain to explode some day soon.

I think you should have to have a license to have a child.  If you want to see some parents that should have their children taken away from them you should go to you tube and type in Sparkling Wiggles.  It is there you will see stupid white people egging on their child to say the phrase Sparkling Wiggles, only when she pronounces it – it comes out Fucking Nword.  Isn’t that hilarious!!  These people should lose the right to have children and if they apply for a license to have more children this is the videotape that should play at their hearing.  They will not be allowed more children.  They will probably have a pity party for themselves and I will gladly be their planner and blow up all the balloons that say – “Congrats.  You’re dead inside.”

4 comments on “License to Bred

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