My hair is old. I don’t mean it’s grey – which it is – I mean it’s old. If my hair were a pair of jeans – I would have to throw them out or cut them into shorts. I don’t want to cut my hair into shorts and I’ve already had extensions three times which is a very pricey undertaking but my hair refuses to grow past my shoulders. Well just below my shoulders if you count the dead crispy ends that I am hanging onto for dear life. I take hair vitamins and I use the Chaz Dean Wen System but it just won’t get longer. I’m not sure where the length goes when it grows in because god knows I have new roots every thirteen seconds so something is getting longer. This seems like a mathematical equation for Stephen Hawking. He’s still alive and by the way – married- for a second time. Yes, he was able to find someone. This makes me feel like a loser.
I think all the minds in the world are very busy these days creating Apps I cannot live without. My ipad and iphone are filled with pages and pages of things that make my life infinitely better. Calorie Counter, NY Post, i-fart, etc. There are Apps for everything. Have you heard of the truly ingenious website and app RunPee.Com? My friend Berman told me about it and quite frankly it may be the greatest thing ever invented in the history of the world and all the heavens. What RunPee does is tell you when the best time is to pee during a movie. They have already worked all of this out for you for all of the current movies out there. Yes I am dead fucking serious. Not only do they tell you when to pee – they tell you what happened while you were tinkling. Who needs a fucking cure for cancer people – this is the kind of shit I’m talking about. This is the kind of technology that wins wars! All you do is start your RunPee clock when the movie starts and away you go. For instance… I checked out the RunPee times for Breaking Dawn Part One – a movie so riveting I can’t imagine how or why anyone would choose to tinkle at any point during this poignant vampire drama. However – RunPee has given you a few choices. Here’s what it says.
PeeTime starts 37 minutes into movie
PeeTime lasts about 4 minutes
Cue to RunPee: When the aerial shot of the island villa appears after their first night together.
What happens during this Pee Time:
Bella wakes up with feathers in her hair. You can see that the room is in shambles from their previous nights activities. She gets up and goes into the bathroom. She looks at herself in the mirror and replays in her head what last night was like. Edward comes up behind her and asks, “How bad do you hurt?” She says to him, ”I’m perfectly happy. At least I was five seconds ago. Now I’m pissed off. I think what we did last night was amazing for me. I know it’s different for you but for a human it doesn’t get any better.”
Now I know what you’re thinking – RunPee must be insane to pick this little section of scintillating dialogue to miss but that’s just how good this movie is. They had to work hard to find pee moments. RunPee makes me proud to be an American. What I’m curious about now is – how long before RunPoop hits my iphone? That kind of activity needs some time so a good test movie could be “Jack and Jill.” I bet that’s a good poop movie. What I really need is RunEat because it is inevitable that I will not buy popcorn before the movie starts and then I will be mad about it and dream about it the entire time the movie is playing to the point of distraction. I have missed entire plot lines due to popcorn envy because I never know what time to run out and get some once the movie has started. I’m going to invent this app. I will become a millionaire. I will buy new hair.