Ante Up Bitches

Published November 20, 2011 by WELCOME TO HEIDI
 If you watch the Oprah Winfrey Network do you immediately get cancer and die?  How else can you explain that more than a million people signed on for her internet chat but she can’t get more than five people to watch OWN.  Does your Neilson box and television immediately blow up when you tune to that channel or do you just die trying to find it because it’s around channel 1,762.  I thought Poperah was Midas but so far the gold fairy dust isn’t landing on OWN.  I personally think the problem is that her shows are too happy.  Nobody wants to see that.  We want to see Melissa Gorga shredding her sister in law as Theresa, as Theresa misuses perfectly simple English words like distant, educate and ingredients.  She’s so dopey, I don’t know how she gets dressed in the morning.  I bet that’s why all of her clothes are so shiny – so she can find them.  Maybe that’s why all of her outfits have sparkly medallions on them because that’s how she communicates with her Planet,  Retardra.  It’s hard when you can easily say Melissa is the smart one – thank you baby jesus.  Melissa is inspiring.  She is now wearing a fat suit to see if people treat her differently.  I’m going to put on a Jew suit later and throw money around so I can capture people’s shocked faces proving everyone really thinks Jews are cheap.  Oprah’s still wearing her fat suit but people are really nice to her.  I think it’s because she’s also wearing her African American suit and I hear that one makes people act scared.
     I ate a block of cheese last night.  I didn’t mean to.  It was just there – on the nightstand.   I’m just trying to keep it 100.  (that’s what the kids are saying)  I remember when you didn’t have to say things like – just trying to keep it real – because you actually told the truth.  The cheese was helping me read a book.  I went to bed early because quite frankly Peaches was watching Bad Girls on Oxygen with such fervor that I think I need to start monitoring what she’s viewing.  They don’t have a lock program for dogs on my DVR.   What if she imitates the kids on these shows and starts drinking, fighting and having sex with strangers.  Maybe that’s how she got the herpes?  I really have no idea what she does all day.   She could easily have learned to turn on the t.v. and may be spending her entire day watching Maury Povich to see who the baby daddy is.  I’m thinking about installing a Nanny Cam.  My friend has one for his dogs.  He can watch them do nothing on his Iphone while he’s at an audition or a meeting.  Usually they are just sleeping in their crates but occasionally they get up and run out of the area where the camera is.  That’s when you really don’t know what they’re up to unless you have a second camera outside so it’s kind of a little Blair Dog Project and feels kind of like a horror movie.  WILL THE DOGS COME BACK? I think if I install cameras in my house I’ll see Peaches, Tulip and Lola in a throwdown game of Doggie Poker.  They’ll all be sitting around some card table I didn’t even know I had with all the neighborhood dogs playing poker and drinking all my non alcoholic beer and eating my snacks.  I bet that’s how they came up with that velvety painting of Dogs Playing Poker.  Someone had to pose for it.  I wonder what the ante is at a card game at my house?  Maybe I should tell the girls to start playing for cheese so I don’t eat it at two a.m. in bed.

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